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Wednesday, June 9th, 2004
5:39 am - hush
too much to say and no way to say it.

he came to me again last night and at first i thought it was a dream. I felt i was looking at him through haze and disbelief and uncertainty and fear and wonder.

All at the same time.

He pushed my window open with just one hand, as he had that one night. So long ago now that i look back on it and think we were mere children. I was sleeping and dreaming of worlds in which he didn't exist in and i was at peace. The creak of the window alerted me to harsh reality. To the uncertainties that are love and denial and misconceptions and assumptions and lies.

In the reflected moonlight on my tv screen i saw his shadowed figure looming in the window. Haloed by moonlight. Silouetted by thick forest tree-tops behind him.

Turned away from him, looking into my darkened tv screen i felt like i was watching a movie. a film that i knew very well i was soon to be involved in. I saw him ease himself down onto my bed, down near the floor. He was so light that i couldn't feel the matress bend with his weight. Or maybe he had learned how to carry himself so well after years of whatever it was he did when he was out there amongst the real people. Pretending to be just like them. Being a walking like. A poser. A cardboard cutout of the truth.

The second his entire body was in the room i could smell him. That same scent from so long ago. That scent that had stayed in my bedsheets and my pillowcases even after countless washes. That scent that drove me mad with desire late at night while i would lie awake touching myself but thinking of him.

It was so fucking unfair.

I bolted upright in bed. Quickly and unexpectedly. So unexpectedly that it caught him off-guard and he stumbled back a bit. My face came right up to his shin. I could have leaned forward and kissed it if i wanted. When i breathed i felt my own breath his his leg and warm my face. I was that close.

And oh god could i smell him.

"JamiE," was all he said. In a whisper. In a hushed voice that made everything seem even more like a dream. I wanted it so badly to be one. Because then no matter what would happen next I could wake up the next morning and be exactly the same as i was the night before.

I tilted by head back slowly, looking at him from bottom to top, allowing my eyes to rest on his peering face looking back down at me. And i knew that i could never be exactly the same after that night. Maybe never again.

He knelt down slowly in front of me, never letting his eyes leave mine. He knelt like a person would if they were trying to pet a wild creature. Like i might suddenly leap up and run away into the distance never to be seen again. It was funny because it was definately the first thing that entered my mind.

He was reaching outwards with his right hand, pale and smooth and perfect. He was going to touch my face.

"Why are you here?" I said suddenly.

His hand stopped halfway between us and after a moment he allowed it to drop to the bed.

"I had to see you again," he replied looking suddenly afraid to look me in the eyes. It was dark enough where I was even sure if he could read them.

"After all this time?" I was skeptic of his motives. Skeptic of all men's motives.

He was talking looking down at the matress. "Seeing you now after so long it doesn't feel like such a long time. I feel as if nothing has passed between us."

I could feel his words working their poetry on me. Their romantic spell. I could feel myself wanting to hear more of his beautiful words. Mingled with the feel of his touch.

I wanted his touch most of all.


God forgive me for what I have done.

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Friday, June 4th, 2004
4:13 am
Hey everyone! You SUCK!

None of you are interesting and you can suck my balls.

Ballsuckers!


Now if you'll excuse me I have some silver polishing to attend to. Because i'm just THAT much cooler than you.

...ballsuckers...

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3:47 am - le sigh
live fast die young
the beautiful do it behind barrels of a gun

Do these earrings make me look fat?

Tonight I slept until night again. That's what happens when your biological clock enjoys kicking your own ass. I keep horrible hours. This is something i deeply need to consider fixing.


So who out there has anything interesting to say?

Anyone?

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Thursday, June 3rd, 2004
6:32 pm - testing, one....two...
*mental note to self*

Never EVER invite Gregg along to movies ever again, cause he's just going to bitch and moan and whine and cry and bitch and bitch and spaz and bitch about how he doesn't have any money, and he doesn't like borrowing money and he doesn't have gas in his car and he's not comfortable riding in other people's cars and blah blah blah....

I liked him better when we hated each other and I didn't have to talk to him like i gave a shit.

And next time he asks to borrow my sword so he can run around getting his ass kicked by professionals, i'm just going to save him the time and energy and stab him right then and there.

eighteen is way too old for this.

[insert topic change here]

So i have discovered what one of my many endless flaws are. I need constant mind occupation. I need to be constantly doing something, or thinking about something. Occupying my time as much as possible. Because when i dont bad things start to happen. Especially late at night. When everyone else in the house is asleep, and there's nothing good on tv and it's dark outside and the moon is full and beautiful and the air is warm. I start to become so bored i start to think of really bad things to do.

Like call JusTin.

Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad.

I refuse. Calling JusTin up on a whim of boredum would be a thousand fold worse than pretending like Gregg was the best boyfriend ever.

Which he wasn't.

And even then he was a saint, an angel, a GOD, compared to JusTin. And that is so pathetic. My taste in boys need to be severely changed. By force or by will i no longer care. Of course i dont know what else i could have expected when i started off my standards with a guy like Dakin. Wow.

That was just "tramatized" waiting to happen.

So i need to take up a hobby in order to keep my mind occupied. I'm gonna call Tom up and see if he wants to go Vampire Hunting. That always calms me down and occupies my mind for a while.

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6:13 pm - you are currently logged in as "hereiam"
Do you do the fandango?

I do.

Harry Potter here i come.

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3:45 am - sometimes you just cant get a signal
Gregg returned my sword this afternoon. The sword was fine. Gregg had a gash in his arm. It was bandaged quit poorly and i made fun of him for it.

"So i take it you lost?" I teased placing the sword back on its post.

"You shut your mouth," he growled bitterly and slumped down on my bed. "It was two against one, i didn't even have a chance."

"You knew that when you agreed to fight them," I pointed out sitting down beside him. He rubbed his eyes with this hand.

"I thought i might have a small chance." He paused for a second. "I really wanted them to respect me."

I put me not-so-comforting hand on his shoulder. "I know babe, but you're not going to get it by getting your ass royally kicked. If you're going to get into their league you're gonna have to spend years and years of training and a lifetime of getting into battles, like they did."

Gregg groaned and curled his hand into a fist. i tensed for a moment, not quite sure of what he was planning to do with it. "I know!" he said, more to himself than to me. "Goddammit, I thought this life bullshit would get easier after high school. Why do i always have to be wrong about the important shit?"

I rolled my eyes at his melodrama. He is such a chick sometimes. "You're not always wrong about important shit," i said, like a drone, repeating something I had said millions of times before.

He unclenched his fist slowly, allowing the blood back into his fingers. He looked up at me then, staring intently with his amazing eyes, his white hair falling into his eyes, onto his face. "I was wrong about us," he said softly. "And that was important to me."

This was about the time I grew very uncomfortable and began to shift in my place. I couldn't look him in the eye. "Uh..." was all I managed to say. Articulate as i am.

"Listen JamiE," he said, placing his unclenched warm hand ontop of mine. I stared at it, unblinking, unthinking, unfeeling. Goddammit. I really am like a robot. "If i could do anything to take back what happened..." he took a hard swallow. "What I did to you... I would. I would take it back in a second. I would never do anything to fuck up what we had."

Suddenly I pulled my hand out from under his and stood up. Was he fucking serious right now?? Who the hell did he think I was??

"Gregg, that's exactly the problem. You DID fuck up what we had. You proved that you and I could never possibly be anything more than just friends. Because you can't commit yourself to one person and i can't stand knowing that my boyfriend is an unfaithful slut. I can only handle you as a friend. I can only stand you as someone who doesn't belong to me. So let's just drop this all-too-familiar topic and never bring it up again."

He was quiet for a moment. Okay, longer than a moment. I stood there watching him. waiting for a reaction. Nothing. He just sat there and looked at me thoughtfully. As if I was rehearsing a scene from a play and he was trying to give me intelligent feedback. Then, after what felt like forever, he said, "okay. I have to go. thanks for the sword."

That was it.

Then he left.

Seriously, why do i even bother.

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Tuesday, June 1st, 2004
6:50 am - another day in the burbs
today i woke up to a rapping sound at my window. metal on glass. it was still dark outside and i couldn't see anything when my eyes opened except for the blinking green LED light on my television set shining out of the darkness.

More rapid tapping.

I squinted into the darkness unsure at first if i was actually hearing anything.

A third tapping sound, louder, more urgent confirmed my suspicions.

I stood up in bed and looked out of my window into the dark morning. Two grey-green eyes stared back at be behind a halo of platinum blonde hair.

"OPEN THE DAMN WINDOW!!" It was Gregg.

I smiled and cupped my hand around my ear making a confused face. "What?!" I mouthed. "I can't hear you!"

He glared at me and rapped on the glass again with his knife. "Fuck you slut, open the window."

Gregg is such a sweetheart.

I turned the handle on the window and Gregg leaned back letting it open outwards towards him before reaching inside my room, grasping the sill and pulling himself in. He fell with a soft thud ontop of my matress which lay hard and flat atop my floor. I try to be as asian as possible. In case we ever go to war with japan again. At least i'll have an in on the enemy side.

"What's up?" I said, eyeing him in the dark of my room. The LED tv light lit up his face, then it darkened him into shadow, before lighting him up again.

"Fuck me." Was his reply. I rolled my eyes at him.

"Seriously. What the hell are you doing here?"

He put the knife into his back pocket, no sheath or anything. Just stuck it in there. I wanted to make some kind of joke, but i was half awake and couldn't think of any.

"Seriously," he said. "I want you to fuck me." I kicked at him. Almost in his face. He dodged it and laughed. "No, actually I need to borrow your sword."

...

"Are you going to battle or something?" I asked sarcastically. "What would you need a sword for?"

"Mind your own damn business," he replied. Seriously, Gregg can be so charming sometimes.

"I'm not giving it to you unless you tell me what you want it for."

Gregg took a huge sigh and fell backwards ontop of my matress. Even in the dark I could see this. And him placing his hands over his face. After a few seconds he dropped his hands and said, "Ashton and Thomas are coming tonight. We're supposed to deuce it out. I dont have a sword anymore because of what happened last time. I dont want to be unprepared." He raised up on his elbows and looked at me in the dark. "You're welcome to come with me if you want."

I gave a dry laugh. "Not likely dude. I dont pull that shit. You know that. I try to keep myself out of that kind of rivalry stuff as much as possible." I paused for a moment, thinking. "Jaz called me last night."

"Who?"

"Jaz... he's one of Nim's friends..."

Gregg sat up even more. "What?! So he knows that one guy."

I groaned. "Yea, they're aquainted."

Gregg shook his head. "You sure know how to pick-em Jamie." I ignored his bastard comment. I wanted to kick at him again. But i didn't. Instead I went over to my shelf and picked my sword up off of its stand. I tossed it to him and he caught it without even looking.

"Take it," I said. "Don't die."

He chuckled softly and stood up. "You know i dont do that whole death bullshit. Death is for posers." He grasped ahold of the window sill with one hand and gave me a slight nod of the head. "Catch you later sport." Then he jumped up and out of the window and was gone. I couldn't fall back asleep after that.

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Monday, May 31st, 2004
3:34 am - interesting
the last time i wrote in this was sophomore year. now i am going to be a sophomore in college.

time flies when you're having fun at others expense.
i have nothing to say to anyone out there. so why am i writing in this? what could i possibly type on this page that anyone would give a flying fuck about.


Yesterday i was sitting alone in my room, the house barren of presence, no one around to listen to the silence with me. I was watching some b-level, grade-a horror movie that was so lame i dont even think it had a title. What time was it... who gives a fuck. It was dark outside. Anyways. I was in the middle of mindlessly watching the scene where the girl turns the corner and as shes walking away the wallpaper melts and hisses, obviously representing the evil of the house, when my cellphone beside me rang.

Still keeping my eyes on my tv i reached beside me and picked it up, glancing at the number. It was a number i did not recognize. A number that had not been saved into my phone under any particular name. a number that was approximately 14 digits long.

I narrowed my eyes at my phone in brief confusion before clicking the acceptance option and putting it to my ear.

"Hello?"

There was a faint hiss of static on the other end and a voice faint, cutting in and out. Suddenly the static cleared and the voice came in strong and powerful in my ear. Shooting into my brain.

"Is this JamiE?"

"Uhhh..." Should I lie? Who the fuck was this? Quickly I muttled over my brain all the times i'd randomly given my phone-number out to people online in the past week, telling them that yea, they could call me, whatever. Just as long as they didn't expect me to fuck them i didn't really care who had my number. I quickly figured it must be one of those guys. "Yea, whos this?"

The voice sighed on the other end. Of fatigue or relief i had no idea. Then it said. "Thank God." It said "God" like it had met it before. I figured the voice to be male, even tho it had a strange accent i couldn't place but found strickingly familiar. I leaned forward with the phone still to my ear.

"Who is this?" I asked again.

"Guess," was all it said.

"Uhh.." I searched my brain. "Dave?"

"No."

"Fuck you dude. I'm not playing guessing games with you."

The voice laughed again. "We have never met actually. We know each other through a mutual... friend. My name's Andrew...I believe you know me as...Jaz."

My heart leapt into my throat. No way. No fucking way.

Four years later, eight million miles further, two heart-breaks survived and a lifetime of still trying to forget and one of his friends was calling me...

But i'd seen pictures...

...and he was a hot friend.

And... an...undead friend.

Actually they were all undead so i guess that didn't really matter much.

I closed my eyes briefly, willing my thudding pulse to slow down to a reasonable speed.

"Hello?" Jaz said. "Are you still there?"

"Hi." I replied. Now i had no idea what to say. I'd only spoken to him online one time through e-mails. I briefly wondered how much this call was costing him.

"Where are you guys?" I asked. He gave a short laugh.

"Can't tell you," he said. "You know that. But I CAN say that you're gonna see us soon."

I sat straight up. "What?! You're coming back?? HERE?! NOW?!" I was screeching.

"Is that not a good idea?"

"It's a horrible idea," I replied. "This place isn't ready to have you guys back. It wasn't ready to have you guys at all. You did the right thing by leaving and by staying gone. Nim did the right thing by breaking off all contacts with me. I betrayed you guys. I don't know if you know that or not but I'm sure Nim knows. I did a lot of shit i wasn't supposed to. And now i have to pay for it." I paused for a moment and took a painful swallow. "And you guys coming back would feel like anything but a punishment."

Jaz was silent for a moment. Finally he said. "You dont understand. Things all over the place are turning to shit. We're reaching a point of severe desperation. Shit is going down at a rate none of us can handle alone. That's why I called you."

I furrowed my brow. "What the fuck are you saying?"

"Listen, I can't really talk about this anymore," he lowered his voice to a whisper. "I'm gonna have to go. But just... shit... I dont know... wait. Just wait. I really think we need each other." And then he hung up. Bastard hung up on me. The call ended and I stared at my cellphone wondering if that had actually just happened.


So here i am now. Sitting in my room. Nothing's going on. Nothing to do. Just mindlessly typing away in an old online journal that no one that matters knows i have.

Kudos to me.

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Monday, March 26th, 2001
11:13 pm - MY FIRST ENTRY (champaign anyone?)
Wow, an on-line journal. Who thought of that whacked idea? Oh well, it doesnt matter. Not a whole lot matters. This, obviously, is my first entry. Who the hell is reading it I couldnt honestly say. Not my friends of course. I didnt tell them about it.

God. I have nothing to say. Maybe it's time for irrational ranting....

Sometimes I wish that I was at least a little unique, that I could do things that not a lot of people could do, girl especially. Id learn how to skate board if someone would take the time to teach me. Thatd be fucking awesome. Im taking guitar lessons but I think Im musically challenged in that arena. The only thing I can do remotely well is write. And even at that I start stories and I never finish them. Theres probably some weird physiologically disorder for that but Im unaware of the name. I like to call it Mentally Screwed.

My friends. Yeah, theyre my friends I guess. Theyre all I have. Theres Meredith. Weve been friends since before time. But now were drifting apart. This saddens me in a way. Id love to be as close with her as we were before but I dont think she wants my friendship anymore. I wont fight for it if shes not willing to. But I wish she could confide in me. Look at me as someone whos there for her and will always be no matter what she does.

Theres Liz. LizLiz isshes predictable. I know that sounds harsh but its true. Shes also shallow, her words not mine but they suit her even though she probably didnt truly believe it when she said them. Liz lives in a make believe world of knights in shining armor and dreams come true. I feel bad for her. Ive personally learned how painfully real and boring life it. I almost killed myself when I found out. But that what when I didnt believe in God either. Times change and Ive grown. But Lizs world isnt healthy. I think she takes books too seriously. I read because I need to get away. To escape to other lands where peoples lives are more interesting than mine. Liz reads to become the other people. To live their lives and dream of someday living in their worlds. She also falls in and out of crushes easily. One day is one guy, the next day another. Shes so hell bent on finding the perfect love that I sometimes fear shell fall for the first guy that comes along and shes better than that. I love her to death, she means the world to me. She has a good heart and is full of light and hope. Im the opposite at times. Theres no light at the end of my tunnel and my stupid flashlight is burning out. Soon Ill be in complete darkness and then where will that leave me? I wish I could cry. They say that crying makes you feel better. But I just cant bring myself to do it. I think Ive forgotten how. This too, makes me sad.
~Jamie

PS: I found my poem:

Preppies and Hairspray
By: J.R.
They says that dogs arent smart
But there are a couple in the honors classes
They say that monkeys cant play sports
There are few in gym kicking asses

With bleach blond hair
Size 4 pants
So much lip gloss it blinds my eyes
It makes me wonder how theyre smart enough to stay alive

Cant chew gum and walk at the same time
Forgot that the door was shut
When they fall down
Their desperate followers pick them up

Yeah, youre so cool
You can put a ball through a hoop
And no one can tell you cant count above four
As long as in the end you get the higher score

I look over at your table and wonder
What the hell is so damn funny?
Do you laugh because you have nothing better to do?
Or because youve found yet another you consider lower than you

Who needs mirrors when you can get a girl
To tell you everything you want to hear
As long as you acknowledge her presence
And whisper chocolate covered lies in her ear

Who died and made you God?
Who told you that because youre pretty youre above us all?
Who made you believe that the world revolved around status?
And who was better at throwing a ball?

Speaking of balls
You have none
Where they went I dont know
But the second you find them
Ill be there with the staple gun
For the next time you need a blow.

Whats that? Youre eyeliners run?
Oh dear God the horror you must feel
Its the end of world, go kill yourself now
Because we all know what you look like
Without make up on.

So the next time I see you
In school or somewhere else
Ill ignore your perfect face
And pretend to not know you at all.

And in ten years at the reunion
When we all meet up once more
Ill be there with my riches
And the sight of you will perk me up
When Im low
Cause Ill have made by then
And youll simply have let yourself go.

Twenty pounds heavier
Thirty IQ points lower
Shouldnt have dyed your hair so much
Six kids and single
Oh what a mouthful
For someone who was so godlike in High School.

current mood: cynical

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