JamiE (hereiam) wrote,

sometimes you just cant get a signal

Gregg returned my sword this afternoon. The sword was fine. Gregg had a gash in his arm. It was bandaged quit poorly and i made fun of him for it.

"So i take it you lost?" I teased placing the sword back on its post.

"You shut your mouth," he growled bitterly and slumped down on my bed. "It was two against one, i didn't even have a chance."

"You knew that when you agreed to fight them," I pointed out sitting down beside him. He rubbed his eyes with this hand.

"I thought i might have a small chance." He paused for a second. "I really wanted them to respect me."

I put me not-so-comforting hand on his shoulder. "I know babe, but you're not going to get it by getting your ass royally kicked. If you're going to get into their league you're gonna have to spend years and years of training and a lifetime of getting into battles, like they did."

Gregg groaned and curled his hand into a fist. i tensed for a moment, not quite sure of what he was planning to do with it. "I know!" he said, more to himself than to me. "Goddammit, I thought this life bullshit would get easier after high school. Why do i always have to be wrong about the important shit?"

I rolled my eyes at his melodrama. He is such a chick sometimes. "You're not always wrong about important shit," i said, like a drone, repeating something I had said millions of times before.

He unclenched his fist slowly, allowing the blood back into his fingers. He looked up at me then, staring intently with his amazing eyes, his white hair falling into his eyes, onto his face. "I was wrong about us," he said softly. "And that was important to me."

This was about the time I grew very uncomfortable and began to shift in my place. I couldn't look him in the eye. "Uh..." was all I managed to say. Articulate as i am.

"Listen JamiE," he said, placing his unclenched warm hand ontop of mine. I stared at it, unblinking, unthinking, unfeeling. Goddammit. I really am like a robot. "If i could do anything to take back what happened..." he took a hard swallow. "What I did to you... I would. I would take it back in a second. I would never do anything to fuck up what we had."

Suddenly I pulled my hand out from under his and stood up. Was he fucking serious right now?? Who the hell did he think I was??

"Gregg, that's exactly the problem. You DID fuck up what we had. You proved that you and I could never possibly be anything more than just friends. Because you can't commit yourself to one person and i can't stand knowing that my boyfriend is an unfaithful slut. I can only handle you as a friend. I can only stand you as someone who doesn't belong to me. So let's just drop this all-too-familiar topic and never bring it up again."

He was quiet for a moment. Okay, longer than a moment. I stood there watching him. waiting for a reaction. Nothing. He just sat there and looked at me thoughtfully. As if I was rehearsing a scene from a play and he was trying to give me intelligent feedback. Then, after what felt like forever, he said, "okay. I have to go. thanks for the sword."

That was it.

Then he left.

Seriously, why do i even bother.
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