he came to me again last night and at first i thought it was a dream. I felt i was looking at him through haze and disbelief and uncertainty and fear and wonder.
All at the same time.
He pushed my window open with just one hand, as he had that one night. So long ago now that i look back on it and think we were mere children. I was sleeping and dreaming of worlds in which he didn't exist in and i was at peace. The creak of the window alerted me to harsh reality. To the uncertainties that are love and denial and misconceptions and assumptions and lies.
In the reflected moonlight on my tv screen i saw his shadowed figure looming in the window. Haloed by moonlight. Silouetted by thick forest tree-tops behind him.
Turned away from him, looking into my darkened tv screen i felt like i was watching a movie. a film that i knew very well i was soon to be involved in. I saw him ease himself down onto my bed, down near the floor. He was so light that i couldn't feel the matress bend with his weight. Or maybe he had learned how to carry himself so well after years of whatever it was he did when he was out there amongst the real people. Pretending to be just like them. Being a walking like. A poser. A cardboard cutout of the truth.
The second his entire body was in the room i could smell him. That same scent from so long ago. That scent that had stayed in my bedsheets and my pillowcases even after countless washes. That scent that drove me mad with desire late at night while i would lie awake touching myself but thinking of him.
It was so fucking unfair.
I bolted upright in bed. Quickly and unexpectedly. So unexpectedly that it caught him off-guard and he stumbled back a bit. My face came right up to his shin. I could have leaned forward and kissed it if i wanted. When i breathed i felt my own breath his his leg and warm my face. I was that close.
And oh god could i smell him.
"JamiE," was all he said. In a whisper. In a hushed voice that made everything seem even more like a dream. I wanted it so badly to be one. Because then no matter what would happen next I could wake up the next morning and be exactly the same as i was the night before.
I tilted by head back slowly, looking at him from bottom to top, allowing my eyes to rest on his peering face looking back down at me. And i knew that i could never be exactly the same after that night. Maybe never again.
He knelt down slowly in front of me, never letting his eyes leave mine. He knelt like a person would if they were trying to pet a wild creature. Like i might suddenly leap up and run away into the distance never to be seen again. It was funny because it was definately the first thing that entered my mind.
He was reaching outwards with his right hand, pale and smooth and perfect. He was going to touch my face.
"Why are you here?" I said suddenly.
His hand stopped halfway between us and after a moment he allowed it to drop to the bed.
"I had to see you again," he replied looking suddenly afraid to look me in the eyes. It was dark enough where I was even sure if he could read them.
"After all this time?" I was skeptic of his motives. Skeptic of all men's motives.
He was talking looking down at the matress. "Seeing you now after so long it doesn't feel like such a long time. I feel as if nothing has passed between us."
I could feel his words working their poetry on me. Their romantic spell. I could feel myself wanting to hear more of his beautiful words. Mingled with the feel of his touch.
I wanted his touch most of all.
God forgive me for what I have done.